Time to mix drinks and change lives ͙͘͡★

Hiya! Today I started my first day of highschool. Honestly, it wasn't has bad as I thought it would be (this will prob not last for long but oh well)! I thankfully have 2 weeks to try any GCSE I want, so hopefully I come to a descion soon. I'm contemplating between computing/art and physics/chemistry. As I've said in a previous blog post (I think lol) I'd like to become a concept artist or character designer in the video games indutries, but their aren't many jobs so computer sceince would be the safer option. Then again who'd willing do computing? That's practically a death sentence oh hell no. If you have any suggest lemme know in the chatbox (pls I need them D:)

This was a pretty short post, but honestly I've got nothing more too share lolol. If your in school hope you have a good year (you'll prob wanna kys at some point but hey good to have a postive mindset righ? XD) Will update soon though xoxo

Take care readers!!

Talk soon, H (I finally figured out smth new too use, hope it's better ;D)

Hello once again! I don't have much too report ig so I'll just word vomit my thoughts lol.

Lately I've been struggling a lot with creativity, and I have no idea why. I think I consume enough media and other miscallenous things too spark some insparation in me. But I got nothing. Now you may be thinking "but H! You've made this website, you gotta have some creativity!". Ik i'm putting myself down like this and I have worked very hard on this site but, I mostly use templates and it dosen't take much to put some pretty pics together (it sure did take a hellish amount of time though). I've come to find myself scrolling on neocities, admiring all the pretty and (keyword) unique sites. The only thing that crosses my mind themost is "I wanna be like them". This is just one of the many cases of this. I come too look at my own and I think "what does this say about me as a person" and I dont know. I really don't know. I've come to start thinking of myself like transcluent jelly. See through and borderline empty, but with a few things jiggling inside me. Nothing set in stone though, nothing sticks. I wish I was like others sometimes

So back to creativity, I find myself remnscing about the younger me. I used to be super artistic and bubbly, staying up late to finish projects, joining schools councils and clubs, etc.. But for some >reason that's all faded away, and it makes me so sad I feel like crying. What changed? This is million dollar question i keep asking myself. Why'd this happen? It's like suffering a disease, I wanna create hell I NEED to create smth anything It's the only way I know how to express myself. But nothing is coming, so does that mean I have nothing to express? Am I just an empty shell of the person I used to be? I hope not.

I find when I draw nowadays I just end up random crap, just morbid looking faces (not in a creepy way in a my arts gotten that bad way lol) disfigured anatomy, etc... It's awful cuz deep down ik I can make something amazing if I tried. But I think Im trying my hardest, I study, practice, you know name it. So why aren't creating smth actually noteworthy. I just keep vomitting weird shit onto the page. It's like my hand is immune to drawing like a face for example. Like why tf can't I draw eyes (every artists struggle XD) its not that frickin hard man.

I wish I had a sweet way of words like others. This is one of the things that can't be fabricated. Going onto others sites (yes again stfu) how ppl write makes them come across and sweet, kindhearted ppl. But when I write I sound like a 12yr old boy. And to add salt to the wound my mothers a writer, an amazing one at that. Her writings are so graceful and elegant almost, it makes you feel as if you've been transported to another world entierly. So you'd think my sorry ass would inhert some of that. I guess this is some the common struggles of a people pleaser. But maybe I'm mainly trying to please myself. Maybe

I've recently been diasgnosed with ocd. I'm losing my shit it is genuinley gonna be the end of me. It's like me and everything I care about are being held for ransom and If I dont do the task everything I love goes bye bye. Like yknow I've become scared of the number 6? I wish I was joking. It's bcs it's the fav number of someone I (hate to admit) am borderline scared off. Hell as Im writing this I'm thinking "if I used brackets this is gonna happen.. If write off insted of x will happen" WHEN WILL THESE STUPID THOUGHTS GET OUT OF MY HEAD??? Like wtf who gives a shit about off and of wtf. Another good example, let's say I gotta take some meds, simple enough right? NOPE. All of a sudden it turns into this matrix ahh scene where my brain goes "if you take this basically indentical pill all your friends will stop liking you. But if if you take this other pill you'll be alr meaning safe... for now..." LIKE OH HELL NAH WHAT IS THIS SQUID GAMES?? (i've never watched it o.) But I just CAN'T shake the feeling of that something bad is gonna happen. I guess this is my way of trying to have to have control. Man I can't do this anymore I just wanna go into an eternal sleep (with voice of no return playing in the background, I can already imagine it XD)

Recently i've been really loving Olivia Lufkins music, you may know her as Reiras singer from Nana! But she is SO MUCH more than that!! Pls check her out! (click rn)

Sea me - en (the jps album cover is so pretty tho)

Dress me up - en

Color of your spoon

Dream catcher

Alone in a castle

Rain

Dear Angel

If you only knew

Also can't forget wish and a little pain from the inspi reira album (Nana)!!

Man I could probably keep going but I've had enough word vomitting for one night. Thats all I seem too be good for. Vomtting (disclaimer: not literally Xp) I dream of the day I have somewhat coherent thoughts. Maybe I have undiagnosed adhd lmao X)

Maybe I should take a bath. As my queen Misato has said "Bathing cleans the mind and soul" the realest and my personal biggest kinnie goatsato (I promsie i'm not a pedo (don't think she exactly is one but still I dont wanna get cancelled xp")

Wow It's 4:40 I've been writing for like 2 hoursm holy. I wonder what's my word count lol. H signing off, take care of yourselves!!

also, I think I say lol and XD too much lol XD

Theres no better alterntive i'm sorry ^w^

Heya! I just finished this Va-11 themed blog. Pretty cool right, I'm actually quite proud of myself. I remember the crazy struggle I went thru with my first site. It was living hell I wish I was joking. At some point I deadass started praying and was like "god am I not cut out for this? Make a sound once for yes and twice for no." Now you may be thinking, what dumbass would expect a reply. I DID AND I GOT ONE AHAHAHCFGHS I kid you not the momment I said that I got spammed with notifications on my phone (this never happens). It was as if the freakin cartoon lightbulb in my head just turned on and I was FINALLY, finally able to work on my site. Did it take an absurd amount of time and overall looked ass? Yes, but hell man I was too happy to care lmao.

But yknow Ive come to realise pressure to be smth amazing really is high. I kid u not all the joy I had in me left as soon as I started looking other ppls amazings site. So here I am, grinding away on my sites code at the dead of night just to make smth that, at most, looks hlaf as nice as others. And it hits hard when It's ppl ur age, like srs bro what did i miss Ik the skill didn't come quick to others but hell it dosent look that way lol, no matter how much I tell myself. Missing when things were easy lmao.
Take care of yourselves, Despite what I say nothing in life really matters. Thats why you should live it to the fullest doing wtv the heck you want. Man I should just listen to myself then maybe my problems would go away lol.

Lifes too short to worry right?

Signing off H (Haven't thought of anything better yet sorry lmao)

First blog post! But tbh I dont have much to report right now lol. I'm about to start school in a week and wow did summer flash by quick. School still feels like yesterday D: I'll be starting my first year of highschool and my GCSE's. If I could smack my past self I would because I don't really like the subjects I picked. But then again it's kinda my schools fault bcs (idk how to explain this) they make you pick one subject in a row so If you wanna pick 2 in a row you can't. Like I wanted to do both computing and art but I couldn't so I just chose computing and product design. I don't even know if I'll like DT (whoops).

So ya, I'm still thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up. I've alwys dreamed of becoming a game dev but there are literally no jobs where I'm from so rip that dream ig. Unless I go indie, maybe lol. Becoming a character designer would be super cool too, Theres this italian designer Roberto Ferrari who works at square enix. He got me thinking "Hey if he could do it why can't I!" I just hope I won't be shunned back at home. Anyways thats enough ranting from me!

H signing of! (I hope that dosen't sound cringe)